New School Year

This school year is suddenly upon us. Most of the summer was just as busy as our last school semester, having only calmed down some the last few weeks, so I wasn’t ready for the reality of school quite yet.

As I sit here, planning out our daily, weekly, and vacation/holiday schedule, I’m overcome with how much change is happening in our family.

First, I made the choice a few weeks ago to make the change to Inspire charter schools, although it’s a 2/3 change, so far. Emily, a Jr Higher this year, and Owen, 4th grade, are enrolled at Inspire already, while Ian, 6th grade, is still at VOCS. We made this choice, so that the kids and I can travel down to visit Dave more frequently, and potentially use vendors (extracurricular activities) close to the apartment.

We decided to keep Ian at VOCS, as we’ve already paid for his Camp K.E.E.P. trip in October. To the credit of my husband, he said to call it a wash and switch all 3 to Inspire, so I don’t have to feel stressed keeping up with 2 school schedules, etc., but since we’re needing to be in Bakersfield through the end of October for Owen’s tutoring sessions it works out. (I can’t quite write off that much money…lol)

The changes in our life and living situation, and the opportunities available to the kids are vast with Inspire, and we’re looking forward to this new adventure!

Thanks for continuing to keep up with us while we’re Learning How To Fly! ♡

My Unraveling

Can I be real for a minute? I mean, honestly, when am I not real, really? What I mean is, can we get deep? Can we go down to the depths together? Can you follow me down the long road where it’s not about mourning a loss, where most people can put on their sympathy hat and feel for me, ache for me, and pat me on the back and say it’ll be OK? Can I take you to a place that isn’t humorously parent/kid related, where people can put on their amusement hat, and either laugh at having been there, or laugh in relief at knowing when they get there maybe it won’t be as overwhelming as it seems sometimes?

Please follow me, as I take you on a tour of my rut.

I’m in a rut. Today is a fine day, and nothing is “wrong”. I have a very blessed life, and what’s more… I know it. But I’m still in a rut.

A friend (thank you, Kim) posted an article called The Midlife Unraveling, by Brenè Brown, a couple of weeks ago. (If I knew how to link it, I would.) In that blog, I found several things that resonated into my soul, to the point of bringing me to tears. She spoke so clearly, in parts of this article, about my life.

Part of the article reads:

“If you look at each midlife “event” as a random, stand-alone struggle, you might be lured into believing you’re only up against a small constellation of “crises.” The truth is that the midlife unraveling is a series of painful nudges strung together by low-grade anxiety and depression, quiet desperation, and an insidious loss of control. By low-grade, quiet, and insidious, I mean it’s enough to make you crazy, but seldom enough for people on the outside to validate the struggle or offer you help and respite. It’s the dangerous kind of suffering – the kind that allows you to pretend that everything is OK.“

For months, I’ve been pretending everything is OK. The rut has dug deeper. The desperation grown less quiet. The low-grade becoming medium-grade becoming high-grade.

Another section of that article says:

We are torn between desperately wanting everyone to see our struggle so that we can stop pretending, and desperately doing whatever it takes to make sure no one ever sees anything except what we’ve edited and approved for posting.

Now, to be fair, my “online self” isn’t always rainbows and glitter. I post “real” stuff, too. Some daily struggles, some sassy kid back talk, some grief and mourning, but it doesn’t paint the picture of what’s going on inside of my daily moments. I’ve kept motoring on, hoping there will be an end to my internal madness.

I found the article had some talking to do about that, also:

What bubbles up from this internal turmoil is fantasy. We might glance over at a cheap motel while we’re driving down the highway and think, I’ll just check in and stay there until they come looking for me. Then they’ll know I’m losing my mind. Or maybe we’re standing in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher when we suddenly find ourselves holding up a glass and wondering, “Would my family take this struggle more seriously if I just started hurling all this shit through the window?”

Most of us opt out of these choices. We’d have to arrange to let the dog out and have the kids picked up before we checked into the lonely roadside motel. We’d spend hours cleaning up glass and apologizing for our “bad choices” to our temper tantrum-prone toddlers. It just wouldn’t be worth it, so most of us just push through until “losing it” is no longer a voluntary fantasy.

I have counselled with friends, asked for prayer from our Life Group pastor and his wife, prayed for myself, talked to my husband, and even told my kids that mommy is a “nut in a rut”. Something I say they are, when they’re being silly. You know…trying not to make them worry.

I have been slowing spiraling in this madness for months now, not sure how much more I can take. And taking more, because I’m hoping that the time will tick down, and run out on this rut causing clock. But all I can see, is endless days of THIS day on the horizon. Where nothing moves forward, all stays the same, until I completely lose my mind.

But even then, I can’t completely lose it. I’m too strong to lose my mind in the sense of needing a padded room and a jacket that makes me hug myself. And then there’s the other option of running away, literally. Which I couldn’t do, because even though my husband and children drive me insane many days, I don’t want to be somewhere else. Not without them. What’s left?

Today, I don’t have a clear answer. Today, I’m lost and scared and confused and wandering.

But…

But I also live in hope of tomorrow. Tomorrow might be clear and bright. Tomorrow I may find the answer that eludes me today. Tomorrow, I may be able to look for the low edge, so I can climb out of this rut.

Until then, I will continue to seek counsel from trusted people. Until then, I will cling desperately to the tiny bit of me, left inside my unraveling. Until then, I’ll continue to really be me as much as possible.

And I will remind myself that I have been blessed with a tribe of people that cares about “nut in a rut” me, just as much as they care about #everythingisawesome me.

California dreamin’

Day 23, final day on the road

0 more days of trip to go

I wanted to be on the road around 6am, but didn’t set an alarm last night, so I wasn’t sure if we’d meet my deadline. Lo and behold, 5:26am found me wide awake, and by the time we got everything loaded, got fuel, and stopped at a Winco to reload the snack boxes, we were actually getting on the freeway around 7:01am. Not too shabby, given a grocery store stop for breakfast, instead of being able to drive through somewhere.

We passed the border around 10am, and felt like we were making pretty good time. Definitely disappointed by the lack of an appealing visitor center. Looking at you, California. 👀

We arrived at home at 3pm, and unloaded the mess that was my car!

Auntie M was in need of her own home space, so when Uncle Chris got here after work, they headed over the hill.

The animals have been very loving and sticking close by since we got home:

I happened to have items to make tacos happen tonight, otherwise, we are in definite need of grocery run! Guess that’s what 3 weeks away from home will do to the food stores!

In 23 days, we drove 6,788.5 miles…

Had 2 injuries to the burb – gum on the leather seat, and a divot in the windshield:

Saw a few Roadkill Cafe offerings of:

2 cows 7 skunk

18 possum 2 cat

26 racoon 6 coyote

7 bird 2 boar/pig

25 armadillo 12 deer

4 rabbit 1 poodle/1 unknown dog

2 squirrel 3 turtle

1 groundhog 1 shelf

3 snakes 2 frogs

1 carpet roll 1 chupacabra

We spent $976.14 on 356 gallons of fuel. I had estimated about $1,100 being our cost, and boy does that overestimation feel like I personally accomplished something! 😂

We went to Chick-fil-A 6x, some form of Mexican Restaurant 4x, seafood 2x, and stopped at Walmart for snacks/groceries/necessities 3x.

We went to one meteor site, 2 (or 3?) national parks/monuments, 2 science centers, 1 historically significant location, 1 Biblical recreation site, passed through 4 time zones (and back) , crossed 3 continental divides (but only saw the sign for the eastern one), and each found a specific state or place we liked best.

We made so many memories, met so many people, spent time with amazing friends and family. My heart is full.

I’m grateful for our friends and family that let us stay, took time to visit, and fed us. Your generosity and hospitality made this trip not only happen, but made it worth it.

I’m grateful for my SIL, Auntie M, for coming and helping with kids and driving and cooking and cleaning up and keeping me sane.

Most of all, I appreciate my husband. His willingness to send us off into the wild blue yonder, meet us for a time, check on us, and making this trip happen – thank you! ♡

As Porky Pig says:

That’s all folks!

Arizona

Day 22

Ian and I were in the same bed last night, and Ian is a tosser and a crowder. Needless to say, I didn’t get any sleep. Then, he was up at 5:20am, and woke his brother not long after. I spent much of the day in a near coma stupor.

We had breakfast, bid Dana and the kids goodbye for the day, then walked over to the pond and fed the catfish.

We saw 4 turtles:

The kids had a good time:

After we ran out of food to feed, we walked back to the house and the kids and Auntie M took a swim. (I wasn’t feeling it today.)

When the kids got home from school, they all swam some more, then came in to play Dance Central.

It was good to sit and visit with my Gillis fam. It was short, but I’ve promised that they’ll be first stop on any future trips, so they’ll get us while we’re fresh – and we’ll stay more than a day! They’ve been very good sports with my last minute changes.

We were supposed to go to the Carlsbad Caverns yesterday/today, but they got cut out just like the last trip. We arrived in Arizona early, and now we’re too tired to stay longer. It’s been an incredibly amazing, and awe inspiring trip, but we’ve all hit the end of our endurance!

So, here’s to the last night on the road, and good sleep for the long drive tomorrow! 😋

Travel Observations

Things I learned on this trip, in no particular order:

1. The freeway system outside of California has a better set up, and is easier to understand. The lanes are painted with the upcoming interchanges (arrows saying which lane you needed to be in, including the upcoming highway/freeway number), making it so you knew exactly where you needed to be. C’mon California, get it together!

2. People are friendly. To be fair, I knew this already, but I love knowing it.

3. There is far too much to do in this country. 😆 We got a million suggestions of where to go, what to eat, things to try, but we had a specific timeline set before we left. We would have had to add 3 months to the trip to do ONLY what people suggested, not including all the things available to do along the way.

4. Our country is gorgeous. All the green. All the water. Stunning! (All the humidity hadn’t hit yet, so…go in the spring or fall. Lol)

5. When traveling, pack even lighter than you think is “packing light”. Because of souvenirs, and people gifting you things.

6. Trash bags save lives. 🤣 With all the road trip snacks, there was trash. With the trash, came a sense of being overtaken by madness. But the bags removed that madness. Bring trash bags.

7. Friends along the path make it an amazing journey!

8. I’ve had so many people say, “I wish…” As in, I wish I could do something like this. Do. It. Save the money, make the plan, and go. It’s worth it. Even if it’s a short trip.

9. Rest stops in other states are ah-may-zing. Clean, and open, and every few miles. If there’s not a rest stop, then there’s a picnic stop, set up like a rest stop minus a bathroom, or parking stop for those who need to sleep. If they’re close to the state line, there is a visitor center, with copious quantities of information, friendly workers, vending machines, and landscaped. Up your game, Cali…

10. Doing things that scare you, or are outside your comfort zone grow you. It helps you to learn what you’re capable of. Shows you that YOU CAN _______. (Fill in the blank.)

Bonus lesson: Speed limits in Texas rock.

Texas to Arizona

Day 21 <— how did that happen?

Day 72 trying to get across Texas 😂

Ok, it hasn’t been that bad, but it definitely takes longest to get through Texas, obviously. It began raining when we left this morning, matching my mood of not wanting to leave my sweet friend, Colleen. I would feel this way if we were leaving after a week, also.

Her house overlooks Peaceful Valley, and reminds me so much of my hometown, Ojai.

We finally got on the road around 7:30am, and had a definite 13 hours on the road ahead of us, but with stops….

Oh, look, water:

Loaded to the gills:

The drive, with stops, took about 3 or 4 days, (because…Texas) but we made it in roughly 15 hours (because…80mph).

Much of the drive through this western part of Texas reminds me of the Mojave area of California.

The black fence is the separation between El Paso, Texas, and Ciudad Juarez, Mexico.

Almost every bridge has different decorations, or symbols, which is interesting and aesthetically pleasing.

This is one in El Paso:

This is one in Tucson:

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, we passed through New Mexico.

Over the Rio Grand, which I expected to be more….grand. But, given that it wasn’t the Rio Grande, I guess it’ll do.

We saw a large, metal sculpture of a road runner. In the middle of nowhere.

We saw Curious George and Rudolph, riding in the back of a truck, with an adult beverage.

We saw gorgeous, desert scapes, crystal blue skies, and kept driving, until we finally hit Arizona.

We arrived at our stop in Gilbert, and everyone was elated to be out of the car. We are staying with good friends of mine, whom I’ve known for many years. I used to babysit their son, from when he was a couple of months old until he was almost 2.

Tomorrow we will get to relax and expend some energy in their lovely pool, before our last leg of the journey starts. Looking forward to unloading my car! 😂

Texas, Day 2

Day 20 trip

Day 2 Texas, landing in Bandera

Oh man, it was an early morning, after a late night of staying up talking to my friend since 3rd grade, then trying to get my post done…haha

Today we had an issue we had when we left Destin, but I’ve never experienced before. We couldn’t get the windshield to defog. Not defrost, defog. It hasn’t been cold, but we couldn’t get the fogging on the OUTSIDE of the windshield to stop or go away. Using the wipers, for about 10-15 minutes after we were on the road was the only way to see, and even then, it really went away on its own. It has been a trip with many weird things happening!

PS – the above pic is just fog outside, not the crazy thing we experienced. 😉

The drive today was one of our shortest, and yet felt much like our longest, to me. I guess tired does that. 😴

We finally arrived at The Alamo, where it was so very crowded that it wasn’t as enjoyable as we’d hoped. It wasn’t a bad time, just a weekend where everyone and their mother (on Mother’s day haha) came to be.

O, checking out a fort scene:

The crowd at the Alamo made for a later arrival at my friend, Colleen’s. The kids love it here just as much as last time. The area is just full of places for 2 boys to put their imagination to good use!

I’ve promised myself, and my friends on this ending leg of the journey, that if I ever get to take this trip again, I’m reversing it to come this way first, so I’m not worn out and ready to go home. They’ve been good sports and tell me they understand, but I hate to sleep and run!

Owen found and cut us a thistle:

And Emily wanted to do a little hair boutique:

The boys ran and played and got some energy out:

I want to stay, and visit, and relax for a few days, but I’m extremely ready to be home, and several of the kids have voiced their support for being home now. Auntie M said she’s willing to do whatever the plan is, but I know she’s missing her hunny, too.

I remember being just as torn last time…

As they say, all good things must come to an end, and the end draws nigh for us and this trip. One more stop, before we’re home sweet home!!

Tomorrow, we drive. Not exciting, but necessary… until then!

Texas

Day 19 trip

Day 1 trying to get across Texas…

This morning had a tiny bit of leisure to it.

We had breakfast at the hotel, and then decided we wanted to go to the Insta-gator Ranch, up where my brother-in-law and family used to live. The kids and I had been there before, but it was Auntie M’s first time!

GPS wanted to take us back East on I10 and then over, but I decided Auntie M needed the experience of going across Ponchartrain causeway. We looked it up, and it is the longest bridge over water in the world.

We drove by Uncle Mike and Aunt Rachel’s place, just to see, and then got to the Gator Ranch just in time for our tour.

We met Bob, whom I do not remember from the last time we went…lol, that was born without a tail and would not survive in the wild.

And Bad Karma, who is a Nile crocodile.

Not an albino alligator:

Learning about, and holding:

Holding babies:

After the gator tour, we drove for about 6+ hours to get to Sarah’s, so we could have dinner and stay up late!

Tomorrow, we’ll be up early, and off to remember The Alamo! Then to my friend Colleen’s house for the remainder of Mother’s day.

If you have impacted a child’s life for the better, than you have helped in mothering the future: May your Mother’s day be blessed beyond measure!

Landed in Louisiana

Day 18

Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana

Today was a busy, fun, and interesting day! We started by finishing loading the car with all the odds and ends left in the condo. We did get on the road later than I planned, but we weren’t too late getting there. We left a different way than we came to Destin, but still had a long bridge to go over. Not my favorite! 😳

Only an hour and a half later, and we made it to Chipley for a visit with my grandmother!

I only snapped one picture at breakfast, but these pancakes were HUGE!

After our breakfast at Skins & Bubba’s BBQ, where Ava bought us all establishment shirts, we drove to Ava’s house. We gave Ava, and my 2 Aunt’s mother’s day cards, Dewar’s candy from Bakersfield, and the carved Ark with Ava’s name on it, that Ian found at the Ark Encounter. There was far too many trinkets from them, but I will mention that Ian and Aunt Jan both love frogs, and Aunt Jan gave Ian a metal frog figure. We also got to love on the pups, Casey, Selina, and Shiner. ♡

Casey:

Ava isn’t fond of her picture being taken, but she was kind to us, and let us take several.

Grandmother Ava took us around the 5 acres of land:

I’m sad Ian missed being in this shot, as he’d gone inside:

I remember fishing in this pond as a teenager:

We found more wildlife:

We walked over to Aunt Jerri’s house for more visiting:

Aunt Jerri is the family historian, and keeper of all things of importance. She has this marriage certificate from 1910, that was my Great-grandparents, or maybe my great-greats??

This picture of Grandmother Ava, from when she was around 6 months old:

Several things that were my Great-grandmother Winfrey’s:

Time with Aunt Jan:

Selina:

Aunt Jerri’s back was bothering her, so we missed out on picture of all of us together, but we got some pretty amazing photos anyway!

How cool is this rest stop before Pensacola, where the Blue Angel’s live????

Just more water:

These are the support beams for the freeway system:

We left Florida for Alabama:

Bridges over (not troubled) water – everywhere!!!

Tunnel in Mobile:

We stopped in to see more family, on Dave’s mom’s side of the tree this time:

They own a Shave ice place, and gifted us with some amazing yumminess!

Minor accident. Clean up, aisle 12:

Family ties:

We eventually had to get back on the road, and GPS informed us of a shortcut, to miss the backup from some sort of accident.

Which helped us find the scenic sign:

More bridges, more water… I had originally planned to stop in Biloxi, but we began to run behind schedule, so we just passed through.

Sun has set:

With that sunset, went our chances of a good photo of the state line. The beauty is, all these amazing states have the possibility of a good picture at the soon to follow rest stops!

Just a lovely shot:

We finally arrived and got checked in to our room. The kids were out before we finished talking about potential plans for tomorrow.

I have dozed off a dozen times while typing, so I hope this has been coherent!

I have no real idea what tomorrow holds, except for landing at Sarah and Vince’s house as a stop over tomorrow night!

Until then, good night y’all!

Florida, Day 3

Day 17 trip

Day 3 Destin

It was mildly difficult for me to get up this morning. The amount and type of tired shifts, depending on what happened the previous day. Last night was a toss and turn night, and after being in the fun and sun all day yesterday – whew! Thankfully, the kids went to bed earlier than they have almost the entire trip, so they were able to wake up on their own. (Which is always better!)

We made our way down to our last day at the beach around 9am. It was empty and gorgeous!

Emily found these little holes in the sand, that she said were crab holes, and was able to scoop out the mound part as a whole.

Play time. Just enjoying being in this magnificent place:

Sea creatures galore:

We had an emotional fallout from the middle kid, after not listening to me. Time to rest:

Siblings:

It was windy today, which meant choppier water 😆

Fun shots:

The girl:

Boy 1:

Boy 2:

The Auntie:

I went to gather snacks, and when I came back, I noticed the water had become darker over the day:

And then, this one had another major emotional fallout. Tired + sunburn + reapplying sunscreen = tears

So, there was another quiet time, before E&I and myself came back to the condo.

Auntie M and O stayed about another hour or so to soak up the last bit of fun to be had!

Sunburns happened, even with remembering to reapply screen every couple of hours. Thankfully, the boys had sunshirts on. Us girls each got a few burn spots where the screen missed being applied, or reapplied, and we’re feeling it now that it’s bedtime…

After showers and laundry and repacking luggage and reloading the burb and prepping food for an early departure, we are battening down the hatches for the night.

Tomorrow, we’re off to Chipley, where my dad’s mom and 2 sisters live. The kids are very excited to meet their only surviving Great-Grandparent! (They met her when they were very little, but don’t remember.)

Just about a week until we’re home!